I could shove an icepick in my eye. I could eat some fish from last July; but it wouldn't be as awful as a summer in Ohio

It's been quite a while since we've blogged and that's because I have been suffering from what a shrewd clinical mind would be able to identify as a dual-diagnosis of writer's block and laziness.  But since I know how desperate you are to be let in on the picayune details of our lives, I'll write even in the absence of something clever to say (for examples of this format, see all previous blog entries).

Let's start at the very beginning, since my childhood governess always drilled into me that that's a very good place to start.

Smolen children with their governess circa 1990.  I am small Aryan boy in lederhosen at far left.

At the end of June, Nicholas and I ventured out west to New Mexico and then San Francisco.  In New Mexico we attended Sarah and Joe's wedding.  Sarah made a beautiful bride and Joe stood up well to my intermittent threats of grievous bodily harm.

Newlyweds

The party was a blast and, as always, the Smolen girls kept it classy.

Molly and I kept our Daisy Duck undies hidden until later in the evening

After the wedding we hit up the city by the bay.  Because Nicholas had never been to San Francisco before, we took in all of the beautiful sights that the city has to offer:

Viansa Winery

Muir Woods

And we had the wonderful opportunity to see one of San Francisco's true natural wonders...THE BUSHMAN!

 For those of you not in the know, the Bushman is a homeless man who hangs out by the wharf and hides behind two large pieces of shrubbery only to jump out at unsuspecting passersby.  Obviously, this man is totally insane (Read: I'm totally jealous that I didn't come up with it first).

We got back to Cleveland in time to celebrate our first Clevelanniversary.  Clearly this is something that we'd like to commemorate because Cleveland is a beautiful city and not--I repeat, not--a swirling vortex of despair.

Not sure if this supports or negates the idea of Cleveland as a hell dimension...

The only other thing that merits mentioning is the story of the cat that we rescued from our neighbor's garage in June.  One day as we driving home from running errands, we got a call from our neighbors, who explained that there was a cat stuck in their garage and they figured that since we were cat owners, we might be able to help them get the poor animal out.  So, like any true animal lovers and humanitarians

we went and helped to remove the cat from the Curtis' garage.  But we couldn't just leave this sweet little tabby on the streets without helping him to find his original owner.  In truth, we were taken in by his Jamie Hyneman whiskers...

...and his huge cat balls

Yes, we have a picture...and judge not lest ye be judged

 (I'm judging you anyway)

So we called him "Jon Fielding" and kept him in the garage and backyard while we tried to find him a family.  And, just like their namesakes, Tolliver was quickly enamored of Jon Fielding.

If we ever re-home them, it will have to be to the Cats-tro

We figured it would be easier to find Fielding a home if we had his massive pouch potatoes harvested.  So, Fielding now sings soprano and we're no closer to finding him a forever home.

For those of you who say we now have 5 cats, I want you to know that I reject your reality and substitute my own.

Besides, remember how we always had 5 cats?

Summer has sped by and now we're really starting to put our noses to the grindstone.  Nicholas has started studying for his boards.

...It's going well (?)

I'm still selling underwear at the mall, which has been a learning experience...what I've learned is that poor people really like to steal moderately priced undergarments and lounge wear.  To prep for the school year, I've started reviewing a ton of psychiatric theory.

Editor's Note:  If watching 8 and half seasons worth of Frasier can count as reviewing psychiatric theory.

So say you love me here and now, I'll make the most of that. Say you love and trust me, For I know you'll disgust me When you're old and getting fat.

Guess who had a birthday since the last time we blogged...That's right!  Nicholas did.  On April 5, 2012 Nicholas hit the big 3-0 and he hit it hard.  At first I told him that I couldn't see any difference between 29 and 30 but now that I'm doing a comparison, I'm really not so sure...

Nicholas on April 4

Nicholas on April 5

So, in honor of Nicholas' milestone birthday, we celebrated...and celebrated...and celebrated! On Nicholas' actual birthday we stayed low key and he picked out a special birthday dinner--lamb chops, mashed potatoes, and broccoli--and I made raspberry shortbread for dessert.

Raspberry shortbread.  Compost sold separately.

Of course, Nicholas' big birthday present was his party.  The whole house was decorated to look like a shrine to Nicholas.  I collected pictures, only around 300 or so, from the last 30 years and turned them into triptych panels on card stock.

Nicholas is the old lady featured at the far right.

Then I made a photo timeline by hanging all of the triptychs around the first floor of our house.  The menu included Nicholas' favorite snacks and an homage to Nicholas' first birthday cake. 

Cake from April '83

Cake from April '12

Nicholas blowing out his candles with help from Bailey and Macy

The fact that the inside of this year's cake was red velvet really added a certain je ne sais quoi to the experience.  (Science fact: the bunny died, so all of our neighbors are pregnant)

Nicholas cutting the bleeding bunny while Jared comforts a traumatized looking Kelsey in the background

I really got a kick out of the cake. 

Ouiser was unamused.

Oh, and Shelby died.  (SPOILER ALERT)

Anyway, it was very nice to have all of our wonderful neighbors and Nicholas' family and friends pile into the house to celebrate.  David even flew in from Chicago to surprise Nicholas on the morning of the party.  The bigger surprise: David wasn't invited to the party...awkward.

And in the end everyone got to take away a little party favor.

Now that all of the celebrations are over and the dust has settled, it's time for finals!  I'm so sad that we're almost done our first year in Cleveland and I'm devastated that I only have one more year left of my program...APRIL FOOLS! 

Editor's Note: April Fools came and went 20 days ago.  Above sentence should probably read: I'm so sad that we're almost done our first year in Cleveland and I'm devastated that I only have one more year left of my program...PATHOLOGICAL LIES!

Anyway, life is pretty much back to normal now with the exception of today's great discovery: Pi is one of the world's most gifted performers.  Today she recreated that famous scene from Caddyshack with the Baby Ruth.  Except instead of a pool, it was the middle of our basement.  And instead of a Baby Ruth, it was actually feces. 

Nicholas with cat feces

Wendy breaking it down to Kenny Loggins

Remember how we always had four cats?  Well that's still true...for now.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr's Anatomy

We join you now for this post-op addition of--you guessed it--our blog! Yesterday we took Pog to the vet to be spayed.  For those of you not in the know, the spay operation is the process through which the female cat's reproductive organs are surgically removed.  It's a long operation because, unlike the human female, female cats actually have multiple uterine horns.

Uterine horns

The more elusive Unihorn

As you can imagine, Pog was pretty nervous about going under the knife.  She used all of the normal coping mechanisms to deal with her heightened state of anxiety: cat nip, diaphragmatic breathing, and some other old-school  tricks she had up her sleeve.

At any rate we crated Pog and took her to the vet early yesterday morning and some point thereafter, Tolliver finally came out of hiding.

Huge pussy...cat

In case you're biting your nails about how the surgery went, Pog is fine and home with us again (SPOILER ALERT).  And you know, for as much as Pog bothers Tolliver, I really think he was worried about her while she was gone.

Anyway, not much more to say here.  Her recovery process has been pretty standard so far.  She's had no appetite,

pronounced lethargy,

and a really unflattering new haircut.

The only problem is that she cloistered up in the second bedroom again and she and the other cats are having a hard time with the separation.

I'd like to believe that Pog is not behind that door trying to dig her way out to her new friends; but the pieces of wall-to-wall that I keep finding stuck between her toes is pretty damning evidence...

People's exhibit A

That's about all I have to say for now.  Everyone's home together and recovering nicely from own little surgical drama...

...Actually come to think of it, all of this talk of neutering has got Nicholas acting a little strange...

Guarding the Gonads

Tolliver Smolen Lives and Pig in Autumn

Please don't sue me, Armistead Maupin.

So, about that fourth cat we don't have...she is freakin' NUTS.  Back when we were still keeping her isolated in the guest bedroom she was all sweet and loving and then we let her out and she kinda went crazy; but I'll get to that in a second.  Let's start with formal introductions.  Our kitty's name is Pog.  She looks a lot like this:

But exactly like this:

In case you're wondering, I didn't get her at a bad angle...that's just how she looks at me.  To be fair, I'm not the only one who's getting a bad vibe off Pog.  Now that she's been "integrated" into the main part of the house she's developed a hobby: tackling Tolliver.  Tolliver, as it turns out, is not coping well with having another cat around the house who is exactly like him.  For those of you who haven't spent much time around Tolliver, let me give you some insight.

Minion of the Anti-Christ

Okay, this one is just cute

So poor Tolliver has been slinking around the house trying to avoid being tackled to the ground by cat who is less than half his size.
Also, she's a filthy trash bandit

I am a little worried though by how out-numbered Nicholas and I are by the feline contingent in our house.  I mean, they're smart and they're organized...who knows what they do once we go to sleep at night.

Hopefully nothing this queer

The humans have been keeping busy too.  We went back to New Brighton on Saturday for a baby shower and my friend Addison and I gave Nicholas a makeover.

Note the awesome magenta blow dryer

And on Sunday I went to observe Nicholas and in the lab again.  Personally, I think his look could still use a little work.  Note the exposed chest hair and chain:

I finally learned how to use Paintbrush

To me a white t-shirt here would be the difference between "I'm going to fix your teeth" and "I'm going to sell you a used car."